


twenty-three songs

by rudeandginger



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 21:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20513582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudeandginger/pseuds/rudeandginger
Summary: Post S4-reveal. Kara accidentally leaves her music player where Lena can find it, and they communicate their feelings through songs.Awww.New and improved without rogue slashes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Holy cow I'm sorry! I didn't realize a rogue slash would throw everything off! I know I said no comments, but "hey your shit's broke" is ABSOLUTELY a comment I would like to have. Heh.
> 
> Playlists at the end. (No, not all 68 of Kara's. Only 24 hours in a day, you know.) I may have changed lyrics in that certain place names do not exist in the DC Universe. And everyone should listen to Jess Glynne, and Sarah Mac Band, and Dar Williams.
> 
> This is pretty rough, I think. If you hate my formatting style, keep scrolling til you feel something. I like it, and that's the only thing that matters.

Lena hit decline on the call, again.

It had been three weeks since she learned the truth about her best friend. Well, three weeks, two days, and several hours (she let go of the hours, because there was no point) since Lex had revealed the awful truth, and three weeks exactly since Kara had tearfully confessed. Lena had sent her away, emotionless, because Luthors did not feel, did not love, did not show that they hurt.

Kara had been trying about once a day to call, and twice a day to text. Lena would answer the texts if they were yes or no questions, but she would not take the calls. She couldn't bear to hear Kara's voice. Not now. Maybe not ever again.

She threw herself into her work. Not at CatCo, which she'd basically given over anyway, but at L Corp. There was so much to be done with the Obsidian tech, and she didn't have time for the life she'd come to enjoy in such a short time. It was back to business for Lena. Maybe she could find a partner who loved science and tech as much as Jack had, and possibly then she could find the love she wouldn't admit she missed.

And she did, she did miss the love. Her best friend had given her everything--well, almost. No matter how Lena had wanted her to, how many longing looks Lena had sent her way, Kara never seemed to notice, and Lena had no idea, no concept of how to broach the topic. And now she never would. -Because even for all that, Kara must know I couldn't date a two-faced liar.-

Her desk phone beeped. "Line two, Miss Luthor."

"Who is it?" But Jess had already rung off. Lena sighed and picked up the phone. "Lena Luthor."

"This is professional, please don't hang up," Kara rushed. "I'm being asked to do this."

Lena let out a long sigh. "Okay."

"I'm being forced to write an article on you. They want an interview. About Obsidian. I understand if you don't want to. If you don't want to, you could call them and override the assignment?" Kara's voice grew increasingly frantic.

Lena sighed again. "No. Appearances. You can come interview me. Jess will arrange it."

"Okay...thank you." Kara was near tears.

Lena put Kara on hold and buzzed Jess back. "Put Miss Danvers on the schedule. One half hour. Wherever you can fit it in. Thanks."

Lena released the call button and pinched the bridge of her nose. She could do this. It was just business.

Jess buzzed back. "4pm?"

"Fine." Lena sank back into her chair. -Fucking hell.-

The interview itself was completely stilted, of course. Kara sat ramrod straight, fumbling with her papers and only asking the prepared questions. Lena stayed behind her desk. No sitting on the couch together this time. Kara's dissembling, subdued manner only underlined for Lena how wrong the Kryptonian knew she had been. Lena couldn't even bring herself to express anger or condescension; she was just numb. She answered every question clinically, expressionlessly.

"Thank--thank you for your time, Miss Luthor," Kara managed to choke out when the interview ended.

"If you need further information, Miss Danvers, you may email the general L Corp address and someone will get back to you at their earliest convenience."

Kara hung her head, and then stood up.

"Have a safe flight home."

Lena heard Kara's throat tighten in a sob at that. She pulled a tablet out of her drawer and began to tap, looking down at it so she wouldn't have to see Kara leave.

Several minutes after the door clicked closed, Lena looked up. She wanted to be sure Kara was out of the building before she dared cry. But then she saw a small device sitting on the couch. It wasn't the recorder Kara liked to bring to interviews. Lena stood up and walked over.

The thing had earbuds attached to it, and Lena could see it was a small music player. She picked it up. -I should return this.- She pressed the power button, expecting a PIN screen or fingerprint. There was none, however. Just a menu, including an option for playlists.  
Lena took the player back over to her desk and sat down. She clicked into the playlist option, and was surprised to see her name at the top.

Clicking into the playlist titled "Lena" with a broken heart emoji showed her 68 songs, most of which she had no idea about.

-This is probably a bad idea.- Nevertheless, Lena put the buds in her ears and clicked play on the first song.  
It was a country song, which surprised Lena. She hadn't thought Kara would be into that kind of music.

"How do I get through one night without you?  
If I had to live without you  
What kind of life would that be?"

-Whoa.- Lena listened to the words the woman was singing so sadly.

"And tell me now  
How do I live without you?  
I want to know  
How do I breathe without you?  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive?  
How do I, how do I, oh, how do I live?"

Lena felt tears slipping down her cheeks. She refused to sob, however. She just let the tears fall.

The second song, she recognized instantly.

"It's been seven hours and fifteen days  
Since you took your love away  
I go out every night and sleep all day  
Since you took your love away"

Lena stared numbly at the player. "Nothing Compares 2 U" was one of the songs she played in the aftermath of her breakup with Jack.

She knew the next one instantly as well.

"I've been a bad, bad girl  
I've been careless with a delicate man  
And it's a sad, sad world  
When a girl will break a boy  
Just because she can"

-Or when a girl will break another girl,- Lena thought sadly. But the guilt on the singer's part was telling. Kara definitely felt guilty over what had happened. -Which is the least she could do.-

"And I need to be redeemed  
To the one I've sinned against  
Because he's all I ever knew of love"

Lena clicked next before the song was done. She got the point, and listening to Fiona Apple lament was going to lead her absolutely nowhere useful.

"Who am I going to lean on when times get rough  
Who's going to talk to me till the sun comes up  
Who's going to take your place? There is nobody better  
Oh, baby, baby, we belong together"

Lena sighed. -Oh, Kara.- She had to admit that the song choices seemed to be leaning towards a crush, towards a lover. "I don't suppose there are many friendship breakup songs, though."

The next one was by a woman with a broad British accent.

"Every butterfly I get belongs to you  
You don't believe me but it's true  
Sure, the freckles on my arm spell out your name  
Real feelings coming through  
'Cause all I know and all I am is you, ooh...  
Yeah, all I know and all I am is you, ooh..."

Lena looked at the info on the song. All I Am, by Jess Glynne. Something about the rawness behind the woman's voice caught Lena. This woman definitely wrote her own songs, and they came from real pain and love. She wrote the artist's name down on a pad for later, and waited for the next song.

"People tell me to be cautious  
People tell me not to lose my self control  
People tell me to be flawless  
People tell me not to let myself evolve  
And I think I don't really get it  
I think it's all just a peculiar game  
And soon I'll wake up and I'll forget it  
And everyone will know me by a different name"

Lena hadn't heard this band before, she thought. But then she checked the song info. She had heard of Clean Bandit, just never this song.

"I wanted to be stronger  
I wanted to be everything for you  
If I could be stronger would you believe  
That I could love you like you want me to?"

-No, because you can't be everything for someone while lying to them about your entire identity.- Lena bit her lip hard.

"I want to be strong for you  
And I can, yes I can  
If only you could promise that you will try too  
I'll be there, I'll be there  
I want to be strong for you  
If only you could promise that you will try too  
I'll be there, I'll be there"

-Then why were you never there with the truth?- This song was hitting Lena fairly hard, and she imagined it did the same for Kara. -'Love you like you want me to'? What does that even mean...-

The song ended and the next began.

"Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now  
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same  
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down  
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name"

-Oh, yikes.- Not a platonic song. Not a platonic song at all. Lena was getting goosebumps. But, she reminded herself sternly, no matter what the song might imply, the biggest problem between them was that Kara had lied about her very identity. And that had broken Lena's heart irrevocably. If Kara had really meant the whole "best friend" thing, it would have come out years ago. Hell, if she even meant where Lena thought these songs were headed... everything was still a total, utter lie.

She left the player running on the desk while she poured herself a drink. She didn't much care for Bruno Mars, anyway.

When she came back and put the earbuds back in, the song was ready to change.

"Where did I go wrong?  
I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life"

Lena crossed her arms on her desk and put her head down. -Yes, Kara, you lost a friend.-

The next one was another country song that grated on her ears after just a moment, so she hit pause and looked up the lyrics.

"What hurts the most was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away  
And never knowin' what could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was trying to do"

-Oof.- Back out of friendship land and into lover land within moments. That song, however, was only going to annoy her if she tried to put up with their annoying twang.

"I can be so mean when I wanna be  
I am capable of really anything  
I can cut you into pieces  
When my heart is broken  
Please don't leave me  
Please don't leave me  
I'm always saying how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this  
Please, don't leave me"

-Well, at least she's taking responsibility with this one.- Lena wasn't sure Kara would agree with the whole sentiment of the song, since neither of them had been verbally or physically abusive, but P!nk's repeated begging for her lover not to leave was probably the point of that one. She took a long sip of her whiskey as the song changed.

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low  
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow  
Only know you love her when you let her go  
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low  
Only hate the road when you're missing home  
Only know you love her when you let her go  
And you let her go"

Lena sighed. Yes, Kara was definitely taking responsibility for her actions, and probably wallowing in them, if this playlist was any indication.

"Staring at the bottom of your glass  
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last  
But dreams come slow and they go so fast  
You see her when you close your eyes  
Maybe one day you'll understand why  
Everything you touch surely dies"

-Ouch.- She drank more. That verse could definitely apply to her as well. Lena'd often felt that everything she touched either wilted, shattered, or died. Including the best friendship she'd ever had.

"Only know you love her when you let her go  
And you let her go"

Lena was crying again, but she still kept it silent.

"You and I walk a fragile line  
I have known it all this time  
But I never thought I'd live to see it break  
It's getting dark and it's all too quiet  
And I can't trust anything now  
And it's comin' over you like it's all a big mistake"

Any remaining colour drained from Lena's face. Taylor Swift clearly spoke for them both.

"Stood there and watched you walk away  
From everything we had  
But I still mean every word I said to you"

-But do you? Every time you spoke about Supergirl like she was a different person. Every time Supergirl spoke about Kara Danvers like she was a different person. "Kara Danvers believes in you." Did you really believe in me, or were you just saying that to keep your cover?- Lena sighed heavily.

"Come on, come on don't leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out  
Can't breathe whenever you're gone  
Can't turn back, now I'm haunted  
I know, I know, I just know  
You're not gone, you can't be gone"

-And what would change if I didn't leave? What else would you lie to me about?- Lena couldn't hold in the sobs anymore. Maybe Kara could hear them. With her super hearing that she'd been lying about. So many lies. And all Kara's friends already knew. Everyone except Lena.

She couldn't bear to listen to the playlist any longer. But she kept the player on her person, and several hours later, safely in bed, she turned on the player again.

Lena didn't sleep. She listened to all 68 songs except for the Rascal Flatts one, and let her heart break as many times as it needed to. Two entire boxes of Kleenex and one hell of a 5am headache later, Lena didn't think she had any emotions left to experience.

"Only know you love her when you let her go  
And you let her go"

Lena kept returning to that one, in point of fact. It spoke to the entire situation, certainly on her part. She took out the earbuds and laid the player on her nightstand. Then she picked up the phone.

"Jess, I'm feeling quite ill and can't shake it. Please rearrange today's appointments. I won't be in."

With that done, Lena closed her eyes and let exhaustion take her away.


	2. Chapter 2

Two weeks had gone by since Kara had lost her music player. She had checked everywhere, and finally decided that it must have dropped out of her pocket while walking somewhere. Alex had bought her another one, but redoing her playlists seemed like a monumental task, remembering which songs were on what list and in what order. Plus, given the fact that she was still alone, the person she loved most in the world still refusing to answer texts beyond work-related yes or no answers, she barely put in any effort anymore. Acting like everything was fine took up all her emotional strength, and all she wanted to do once safely away from work or superhero duties was sleep.

But then a courier package arrived at CatCo for her, and she broke into it quickly.

Out of the envelope slid her original music player, and a brief note.

"You left this at my office. --LL"

Kara bit back a sob, and stroked the two letters closing it with a finger gently. Lena had handwritten the note, and god, she missed her writing. Her writing, her voice, her very being. -Lena, I love you...- She put the note in her purse so no one would see it.

She pressed the power button. Lena had charged it, she saw. Happy to get back her playlists, she clicked through the menus and--

There was a new playlist. Titled "Kübler-Ross Model". No info on the songs themselves, just "Song 1", "Song 2", and so on.

Kara looked the title up. The five stages of grief, as delineated by a psychiatrist in 1969.

-Lena...- Kara would wait to listen to the playlist until she was home. Lena had certainly created it for a reason. "Oh, gosh," Kara whispered out loud, as it clicked for her. -She must have seen my playlist about her...-

Embarrassment overwhelmed her. Lena must have seen all the sappy sad songs, including the ones about true, honest, no-mistaking-it romantic love. -Oh Rao!- Kara buried her head in her hands and tried to stop the fire consuming her face. -I guess it's better she knows everything now...?-

"Kara, you okay?" Nia walked up and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"No, but it's fine," Kara muttered from between her fingers.

"You didn't miss a deadline, did you?" Nia's voice was worried, so Kara looked up at her.

"Absolutely not," she told Nia firmly. "Just something personal."

Nia frowned. "You wanna talk?"

Kara shook her head. "It's too hard to explain, I'm sorry."

Nia nodded. "Okay. Long as you're sure." She squeezed Kara's shoulder gently and walked off toward the break room.

Kara saved all her files and shut down. She wasn't going to get a single lick of work done as long as that playlist remained a mystery, and she hadn't lied to Nia, she didn't have any hanging deadlines that day.

Once home, she dropped all her things, flopped on her sofa, and put the earbuds in, clicking through to "Song 1" on the playlist.

"There's a fire starting in my heart  
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark  
Finally I can see you crystal clear  
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare"

"Rao..." Starting with an angry Adele song couldn't be good. Couldn't be good at all.

"See how I leave with every piece of you  
Don't underestimate the things that I will do  
There's a fire starting in my heart  
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark"

Kara looked at the grief model. This sounded more like anger than denial, but then she thought maybe it might mean Lena was trying to deny what she felt?

"Baby I have no story to be told  
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn  
Think of me in the depths of your despair  
Making a home down there 'cause mine sure won't be shared"

Kara began to cry.

"The scars of your love remind me of us (you're gonna wish you never had met me)  
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all (tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)  
The scars of your love they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling  
We could have had it all (you're gonna wish you never had met me)  
Rolling in the deep (tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)  
You had my heart inside of your hand (you're gonna wish you never had met me)  
And you played it to the beat (tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

Kara couldn't take it anymore. She clicked to the next song.

"Everybody wants to get a taste  
Of something that makes it worth getting up for  
Everybody wants to try a piece  
Of a little good thing, a little good thing  
I don't know if I could be the one to do it for you  
I'd try hard if you'd just let me get close to you"

Kara frowned. This song and this artist were completely new to her.

"I've decided that I've had my fill  
Of things that are solid but they don't satisfy  
There's got to be more to it still  
Than this sound called life you and I seem to be trapped inside  
I can't sit down without crashing into  
The walls you put up to try to keep me from touching you"

That part stung. She had definitely put up walls. Boxes, even, where she could fit Kara Danvers and Supergirl, separately, and keep Lena from touching them, linking them.

"Where did you learn that this was any variation of normal?  
Who taught you how to love someone by breaking their heart?  
And I won't stand for you to open fire  
You shoot me down when I walk through the door  
And it's not worth the noise, not worth the blood  
And I won't do it anymore  
And it's not worth the noise, and it's not worth the blood  
And I won't do it anymore"

"Won't do it anymore..." Kara whispered along with the repeat.

"Everything got smaller with time  
'Cause you divided the world into your side and mine  
And you felt weak and open so you tried to hide it  
By bombing everything on my side of the line  
I can't speak 'cause I'm so damn angry  
I don't ask much, just act like you love me"

-It was never a act, Lena...not what I felt!- Kara crossed over into ugly crying. -What I still feel!-

"And it's not worth the blood  
We're just a shadow of love  
And I won't do it anymore"

Two songs in and Kara was already wrecked. This song was neatly confirming everything she had figured Lena was feeling.

The melody shifted to a higher pitch.  
"Yeah, you know just what you're doing  
You don't care, you just keep doing it  
You say that all is fair  
In love and war, as long as you get to win"

The song's melody shifted again.

"And you have never felt like you had a hope  
You're terrified by the way you feel  
It makes you feel out of control  
And you would rather hate the ones you love  
Than to take a chance they might not love you back  
And they might break your heart"

This part puzzled Kara, but then she realized it might apply to Lena. Maybe.

"And I am not so insecure that I'd be miserable just to win your love  
I don't need you, no I don't need you that much  
I don't need you that much, no  
I don't need you that much"

Kara could barely breathe from crying. She hit pause and went to look for Kleenex.

After blowing her nose and trying to do her best with the tears that wouldn't stop falling, she looked up a portion of the lyrics.

"Sarah Mac Band," Kara muttered to herself. A small Southern folk band, she found out. -Wonder how Lena found out about them.-

She put the buds back in and clicked play on Song 3.

"You took your coat off, stood in the rain  
You're always crazy like that  
And I watched from my window  
Always felt I was outside looking in on you  
You're always the mysterious one with  
Dark eyes and careless hair  
You were fashionably sensitive  
But too cool to care"

Oh no. Jewel. And this song, in particular. She'd wanted to put "Foolish Games" on the Lena playlist, but it was definitely all about her, not Lena.

"Well in case you failed to notice  
In case you failed to see  
This is my heart bleeding before you  
This is me down on my knees, and  
These foolish games are tearing me apart  
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart  
You're breaking my heart"

"Don't worry, mine's already broken," Kara sobbed to the player.

"Excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else  
Somebody who gave a damn  
Somebody more like myself"

This was definitely the anger part, now. Kara was sure of that. Maybe Lena hadn't really put any denial songs in because, at more than a month past their angry confrontation over Kara's secret identity, she was past that stage.

Song 4, she recognized the singer immediately. She'd gotten into Jess Glynne after hearing that her album "I Cry When I Laugh" was inspired by her breakup with her ex-girlfriend.

"Time  
It never was enough, no time  
I always tried to fit around your life  
With no consideration over mine, mine  
No wrong  
Everything was right and now it's gone  
Like a tree, it cut me down and let me go  
Like I was always banned from sayin' no"

"Ow," Kara breathed.

"Drownin' in the darkest grey  
With no answer to rescue me  
I'm holdin' it down  
I'm holdin' it down  
Foolin' with no one to blame  
You left me here without a trace  
When I held you down  
I held you down  
So tell me why me?  
I didn't even know  
Why me?  
You left me all alone  
So cold, so cold"

No mistaking this song's message. Lena definitely felt betrayed, as she ought to, Kara thought. -Why you, indeed.- "Because they made me, and then it was too late," she told the player as Jess continued to sing about her happiness being stolen.

"Why me?  
I didn't even know  
(And you still won't tell me)  
Why me?  
You left me all alone  
(So why'd you leave me?)"

"Because that's what I thought you wanted when you stopped answering me," Kara sobbed.

The song gave way to the next.

"Take a bow, the night is over  
This masquerade is getting older  
Lights are low, the curtains down  
There's no one here (There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd)"

-And she goes in for the kill,- Kara thought numbly.

"Say your lines but do you feel them  
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around (No one around)  
Watching you, watching me,  
One lonely star (One lonely star you don't know who you are)"

-I do, I do, I meant everything,- Kara cried in her head, as she couldn't even form words with her mouth due to the sobs wracking her body.

"I've always been in love with you (Always with you)  
I guess you've always known it's true (You know it's true)  
You took my love for granted, why oh why  
The show is over, say good-bye"

-She can't mean this song platonically,- Kara thought miserably. -So we've been in love this whole time. But I was a liar and an asshole, and now I've lost her forever.-

"Hide behind your smile,  
All the world loves a clown (Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown)  
Wish you well, I cannot stay  
You deserve an award for the role that you played (Role that you played)  
No more masquerade,  
You're one lonely star"

Kara hit pause. -Enough, enough, I can't take it anymore!-

She pulled the buds out of her ears and curled up on the couch, letting herself cry it out. There was no way she could heal the breach if Lena felt like this. If she felt like it was all a sham, just theatre. Rao knew she'd said often enough before they truly became close that she suspected Kara only kept checking on her because of her last name.

Kara cried for two hours straight, giving herself an awful headache. Then she ordered some food and drank plenty of water til it came, the normally delicious Chinese food tasting like dust and ashes in her mouth. But then, nothing much gave her pleasure anymore. Food simply kept up her strength for Supergirl duties. Supergirl put on a brave face to the world, and sometimes Kara almost forgot how she'd fucked her own life up in the euphoria of saving others. Almost.

She still had half the playlist to go. She owed it to Lena to make sure all the nails were driven into the coffin that held their friendship and love. So she took the player to bed and flopped down, resuming with the next song.

The gentle guitar that opened it was a hopeful change of pace for Kara.

"Go ahead, push your luck  
Find out how much love the world can hold  
Once upon a time I had control and reined my soul in tight  
Well the whole truth  
Is like the story of a wave unfurled  
But I held the evil of the world  
So I stopped the tide  
Froze it up from inside  
And it felt like  
A winter machine that you go through and then  
You catch your breath and winter starts again  
And everyone else is spring bound"

Kara held her breath as the woman with a gentle voice sang. This wasn't a breakup song, was it?

"But when I chose to live  
There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed  
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost  
So I was not lost or found"

Kara's eyes widened. -Okay. This has to be about her. The story of her life.-

"And if I was to sleep  
I knew my family had more truth to tell  
And so I traveled down a whispering well  
To know myself through them  
Growing up my mom had a room full of books  
And hid away in there  
Her father raging down a spiral stair  
Till he found someone, most days his son"

The song wasn't hitting her in the you-are-an-awful-human way, but if any of the lyrics paralleled Lena's reality, she'd been through -unimaginable- pain.

"And sometimes I think my father, too, is a refugee  
I know they tried to keep their pain from me  
They could not see what it was for  
But now I'm sleeping fine  
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance  
I am the daughter of a great romance  
And they are the children of the war"

Kara picked up her phone and started typing the lyrics in. She got the correct hit from the search engine, and followed along as the woman, named Dar Williams, kept singing.

"Well the sun rose  
With so many colors it nearly broke my heart  
It worked me over like a work of art  
And I was a part of all that  
So go ahead, push your luck  
Say what it is you gotta say to me  
We will push on into that mystery  
And it will push right back"

Well. Dar was certainly packing a lot of trauma into just under five minutes, Kara thought.

"And there are worse things than that  
Cause for every price and every penance that I could think of  
It's better to have fallen in love  
Than never to have fallen at all"

-Does this mean she doesn't regret falling in love? Or is this the bargaining stage?- Kara wondered.

"Cause when you live in a world  
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be  
And now I laugh at how the world changed me  
I think life chose me  
After all"

A hopeful ending, at least. -Certainly better than the last one,- Kara thought to herself as the song changed.  
More gentle guitar, but a different woman's voice. Higher, more traditionally ethereal.

"I like things that are so good  
You are so, so good  
I like you  
But I am the underdog, I am the last in line  
Don't be the enemy, don't stand in back of me"

Kara expelled all her breath. -Holy cow.-

"Freezing, boring, wondering where I'll be on my birthday  
You kissed me in a dream last night  
How could I?  
I wouldn't know  
Cause I am the underdog  
I am the last in line  
Don't be the enemy, don't stand in back of me  
Will you be my friend now I understand that I more than like you?"

Kara let the simplicity of the words sink in as the instrumental break played on. -I guess she would feel last in line, since everyone else knew.-

"I am the underdog  
I am the last in line  
Don't be the enemy, don't be the enemy  
I like things that are so good  
You are so, so good..."

Kara was crying again, but it was soft, understanding, no longer upset or angry. -This is acceptance, then? Has to be.-

As the chords of the next song began, she knew instantly which song it was. Another Jess Glynne, from the breakup album.

"Wrapped up, so consumed by all this hurt  
If you ask me, don't know where to start  
Anger, love, confusion  
Roads that go nowhere  
I know there's somewhere better  
'Cause you always take me there"

Kara sobbed. She knew exactly where this one was going, because she felt the same way.

"Came to you with a broken faith  
Gave me more than a hand to hold  
Caught before I hit the ground  
Tell me I'm safe, you've got me now  
Would you take the wheel  
If I lose control?  
If I'm lying here  
Will you take me home?  
Could you take care of a broken soul?  
Will you hold me now?  
Oh, will you take me home?"

"Yes, yes, yes," Kara cried as Jess sang. She couldn't consider anywhere "home" if Lena couldn't be there with her.

"Hold the gun to my head, count 1, 2, 3  
If it helps me walk away then it's what I need  
Every minute gets easier  
The more you talk to me  
You rationalize my darkest thoughts  
Yeah, you set them free"

Kara turned on her side and curled up into a ball, still sobbing.

"You say space will make it better  
And time will make it heal  
I won't be lost forever  
And soon I wouldn't feel  
Like I'm haunted, oh, falling"

Haunted. Kara remembered that one of the songs in her playlist talked about being haunted by all her wrongdoing, by the ghost of a wonderful relationship that she'd never, ever get over.

"Would you take the wheel  
If I lose control?  
If I'm lying here  
Will you take me home?  
Could you take care of a broken soul?  
Oh, will you hold me now?  
Oh, will you take me home?"

-I didn't take care of her, I thought selfishly that she would be okay, because she's so strong.- That sudden revelation stunned Kara. She'd always felt she leaned on Lena's emotional strength heavily. Perhaps it had all been too much. -No, it WAS too much,- Kara thought glumly as the track switched.

"We're a thousand miles from comfort, we have traveled land and sea  
But as long as you are with me, there's no place I'd rather be  
I would wait forever, exalted in the scene  
As long as I am with you, my heart continues to beat"

That was Jess again, but with the band Clean Bandit. And Kara's heart began to lift.

"With every step we take, Kyoto to The Bay  
Strolling so casually  
We're different and the same, gave you another name  
Switch up the batteries"

Kara sucked in her breath. She had heard this chorus enough times to sing along in a whisper.

"If you gave me a chance I would take it  
It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it  
Know with all of your heart, you can't shame me  
When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be"

-No place I'd rather be, either...- Kara sang along a little louder.

"We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace  
Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete  
It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity  
As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be"

-So it's true for both of us...- Kara realized that this had to be the acceptance part of the Kübler-Ross Model. -And she's giving me hope? Maybe?-

"Please, Lena, please..." Kara whispered as the chorus repeated until the song faded out with Jess intoning "no place I'd rather be..."

"To be young and in love in Gotham City  
To not know who I am but still know that I'm good long as you're here with me  
To be drunk and in love in Gotham City  
Midnight into morning coffee  
Burning through the hours talking  
Damn"

Kara smiled through her tears.

"I like me better when I'm with you  
I like me better when I'm with you  
I knew from the first time, I'd stay for a long time 'cause  
I like me better when  
I like me better when I'm with you"

-You speak for us both,- Kara thought as the singer bounced through the undeniably happy song. This had to be acceptance. And a chance. Lena didn't hate her after all.

"I don't know what it is but I got that feeling  
Waking up in this bed next to you swear the room  
Yeah, it got no ceiling  
If we lay, let the day just pass us by  
I might get to too much talking  
I might have to tell you something  
Damn"

Kara was singing along happily. Because she did like herself better with Lena. Lena was her yellow sun, her painless kryptonite, the person she loved the most in the world. But even through the smile, the tears kept falling. Because now she had to figure out how to tell Lena she knew, she understood, she felt the same. But how to get that across in the most meaningful way?

The song faded, and Kara noticed that the next one was the last track on the list.

"I need a lover to give me  
The kind of love that would last always  
I need somebody uplifting  
To take me away  
I want a lover who knows me  
Who understands how I feel inside  
Someone to comfort and hold me  
Through the long lonely nights  
Till the dawn  
Why don't you take me away"

Kara hit pause, sniffling. And then she -flew-.

Lena was in her office. She was always in her office. Deep in her work, she didn't notice much. Until the plate glass balcony window behind her -thudded-.  
Lena jumped about six feet and stumbled out of her chair, whirling around.

Kara was standing there, tears running down her face. She'd clearly flown, and either forgotten her supersuit or just didn't care. The music player was pressed against the glass, the screen reading "Song 11."

Lena unlocked the door in a -hurry-. As soon as it was open, she found herself wrapped up in Kara's arms.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry," Kara babbled as she backed Lena into the nearest wall. "They made me hide who I was and then I thought it was too late and can I kiss you? Please can I kiss you?"

"Yes?" came a barely audible squeak.

Kara pressed her lips to Lena's urgently, her gasp almost a sob, and that was -it- for Lena.

She melted, tucking her arms around Kara's waist and hanging on for dear life. -You still love me, thank god...-

Kara felt Lena respond to her and whimpered, sliding her hands up and around the back of Lena's neck desperately as she deepened the kiss. -Love me, Lena, please still love me!-

The franticness with which they kept kissing proved their feelings to one another, and eventually they slowed down, breathing heavily and leaning their foreheads together.

"Thank you," Lena breathed.

"You requested rescue," Kara whispered back. "And I will take you up, down, or anywhere you want me to."

"Up," Lena replied. "I want to fly with you when I'm not knocked out or on the verge of death."

Kara grinned, and her hand slid down Lena's side to her hip.

"Not now," Lena breathed. "Just hold me right now."

"I'm so, so sorry," Kara said, curling her arm around Lena's waist. "Can I tell you why?"

"Sure," Lena replied, slipping her arms around Kara's neck and playing with her hair lightly.

Kara shivered. "Your hands are perfect."

"So are yours." Lena let her head tip back against the wall, still breathing heavily and regarding Kara in a haze.

"The DEO told me when I started seeing you that you couldn't know about me. Because of your family, yes."

Lena let out a shaky sigh. "Called it..."

"I was forbidden. Whenever I mentioned it, I would be threatened with having your memory erased. And I couldn't bear the thought, because that meant I would lose you, you wouldn't know me at all."

Lena closed her eyes as Kara's thumb brushed her cheekbone gently. "Harsh."

"So after a few times, I stopped mentioning it. Because it wasn't worth the consequences."

Lena nodded. -And I thought these people were nice. Friendly, even.-

"And then, even once I stopped working for them, I couldn't trust that you wouldn't be erased when I wasn't looking. And then I was a coward. I thought we were in too far. And that you'd rightfully assume I was keeping the secret because of who your family is."

"...were you?"

"No!" Kara's shout was almost a sob. "Not me. Never me. I trusted you. After Medusa, I knew you weren't like your family. Even though you have a habit of insisting you are."

Lena opened her eyes, looking into Kara's and seeing the truth in her statement.

"But I thought I could keep it separate. Especially when you said I was your hero. Kara Danvers, not Supergirl. I wanted us to have that special connection. My friendship with everyone who knows is different, and not in a good way."

Lena listened, continuing to wind soft blonde curls around her fingers gently.

"We didn't have that. You knew -me-, not the superhero side hustle. I cherished that, Lena. Once people know what I do, it comes with expectations. Moral, physical, mental expectations. And it's so exhausting." Kara kissed Lena softly. "We never had that between us. It made our friendship different, more pure, at least I thought."

"Mm..."

"It wasn't that I didn't want to tell you. I've wanted to tell you since Medusa. But I cherished what we had, and I'm the biggest coward in the galaxy."

"I see..."

"So when I fell in love with you, it wasn't like with Mon-El, who always knew I was an alien and Supergirl. You only knew Kara Danvers, and so help me Rao, Lena, I -adored- that."

"Yes, I fell in love with Kara. My hero, the sweet friend who never gave up on me. Until recently."

Kara's eyes pricked with tears. "You don't answer recently. I thought you didn't want to talk to me ever again, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. Not after the crappy way I've been treating you."

"Yes...it has been crappy, Kara."

Kara buried her face in Lena's shoulder. "Last year there was a psychic alien. She forced me to relive my worst memories. And my greatest fears. Over and over again."

Lena tightened her fingers in Kara's hair, her grip firmer. She had a feeling she knew what was coming.

"Every time Psi forced me to tell you who I was in my head, you died. You were always killed by someone trying to get to me. One time I even murdered you myself." Kara choked back a sob. "You were accidentally standing in the way of my heat vision."

"Oh no..." Lena murmured.

"My greatest fear when it comes to you has always been you dying because you're Supergirl's friend." Kara cried hot tears on Lena's shoulder. "But the reality of you knowing has been so awful. I haven't been able to function. I keep telling myself at least you're not dead, at least you're not dead. Even if we could never be together because of what I've done, at least you're alive."

"I love you, Kara," Lena whispered, afraid her voice would fail her otherwise. Her heart was beginning to mend in the face of all the truth, and although she was happy, it also -hurt-.

Kara lifted her head and pressed her lips to Lena's once again, redirecting her fear and helplessness into something that showed Lena how much she cared. Lena relaxed into it, letting Kara take her weight as much as she dared and crossing her arms behind Kara's neck since she wasn't sure she could hold a grip with all the emotion tearing through her system.

"My knees are going to collapse, let's go to the sofa," Lena breathed when the several-minute-long kiss ended. Her body had overloaded from intense emotion and sensory pleasure, and she realized it wasn't -just- her knees that were failing.

Kara picked her up and walked over to the couch, settling Lena on her lap, making sure their bodies were touching at every point possible. She kept her arms wrapped tightly around Lena, unwilling and unable to let her go in any way.

"Death is inevitable, Kara," Lena said softly. "At least, for us humans."

Kara whimpered and bit her lip, but kept looking into Lena's eyes.

"No one knows that better than Luthors, I think," Lena continued. "But we just live harder, more fully, once that sinks in."

Kara nodded slightly.

"I have always needed to know my best friend and biggest crush was a superhero. It hurts that you didn't tell me. And it hurts worse that I didn't figure it out, because glasses and a ponytail are an awful disguise, Kara."

Kara gave a rueful smile and looked down.

"It hurts, but I understand now why you kept the secret. So my feelings are at complete war with each other."

"Mm..." Kara's response was noncommittal, because she hoped like -hell- Lena wasn't about to throw a curveball into this.

"What I do know is that I really, really don't want to lose you."

Kara looked up again. "Me either!"

"Let's take our future one day at a time, okay?"

"Anything, -anything-, just let me stay with you," Kara begged.

"I have no choice, Kara. I've been in love with you for years and you're the brightest spot in my life that I've ever had."

Kara's eyes welled with tears again.

"It's been hell since Lex told me. Since he told me that all of my friends have been lying to me. Because of my name. Because I don't deserve friends. Because I'm so awful that no one wants to tell me the truth. Maybe because they all think I'll destroy you."

The tears were running down Kara's cheeks. "Maybe they do. But I don't. Alex has been trying to fight for your right to know for months now. She knows how much I love you, and I think she can see how much you love me."

Lena scoffed. "I thought my feelings were obvious."

"Not to someone who doesn't think you're in her league," Kara said softly, tucking a strand of hair behind Lena's ear that had fallen in her face. "Someone who believes you're far, far too good for her, and that being your best friend was more than she deserved."

Lena kissed Kara. "You are too, too good for me."

"Let's just be good together?" Kara implored. "If we think we're both too good for each other, then that means we have to be perfect for each other."

"One day at a time. Starting now." Lena kissed Kara again.

\--

Being held by Supergirl, her warmth and steady heartbeat so close and good as they flew through the sky, was so, so much better awake than half-dead, Lena thought. The wind was freezing, but Kara warmed her up. Lena was terrified of flying, but she knew Kara would never drop her. Those arms would never waver. And kissing while flying? So long as no jets were around to dance into Kara's flight path, that euphoria was theirs to share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kara:  
LeAnn Rimes - How Do I Live  
Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U  
Fiona Apple - Criminal  
Mariah Carey - We Belong Together  
Jess Glynne - All I Am  
Clean Bandit - Stronger  
Bruno Mars - When I Was Your Man  
The Fray - How To Save A Life  
Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most  
P!nk - Please Don't Leave Me  
Passenger - Let Her Go  
Taylor Swift - Haunted
> 
> Lena:  
Adele - Rolling In The Deep  
Sarah Mac Band - Open Fire  
Jewel - Foolish Games  
Jess Glynne - Why Me  
Madonna - Take A Bow  
Dar Williams - After All  
Lisa Loeb - Underdog  
Jess Glynne - Take Me Home  
Clean Bandit - Rather Be  
Lauv - I Like Me Better  
Mariah Carey - Dreamlover


End file.
